The world is not made of matter.
The world is made of what matters.
This is what matters:
CONNECTION acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect safety security stability support to know to be known to see to be seen understanding trust warmth PHYSICAL WELLBEING air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water HONESTY authenticity integrity presence PLAY joy humor PEACE beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order AUTONOMY choice freedom independence space spontaneity MEANING awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding
CONNECTION acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect safety security stability support to know to be known to see to be seen understanding trust warmth PHYSICAL WELLBEING air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water HONESTY authenticity integrity presence PLAY joy humor PEACE beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order AUTONOMY choice freedom independence space spontaneity MEANING awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding
…focussing on what matters makes it matter (=materialise).
My philosophy on why we get stuck, and why what we focus on matters, literally…
You are doing and saying things, or not doing or saying things out of habit… and especially so when you’re stressed.
Your reactions to stressful situations became habitualised in times long since forgotten and, crucially, when you were less resourced and capable than you are now.
You’re more likely to be able to notice this habitual reactivity in challenging situations. Avoiding such situations is potentially another habitualised reaction (you’re welcome!).
In the beginning, these reactions served you well in a particular way - possibly keeping you safe, regulated or belonging - but now they’re costing you the connection you’re longing for. They’re attempting to keep you safe, but are keeping you separate, i.e. disconnected!
“Boys don’t cry”, and “little girls should be passive and accommodating” are two of the more familiar conditionings that often lead to habits which serve us less than optimally in adulthood, at best robbing us of self-connection and making relating tricky. Tragically, the list doesn’t end with these two...
That said, and despite this, we all already know perfectly well how we would like to be treated and how we would like to treat others.
Mindful Communication reequips you with the tools to live this knowing, offering you freedom from the painful habitual, and expansion into joyful potential: your birthright.
"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." - Albert Einstein
Mark is a CNVC Certified Trainer Candidate and the Certification Candidate Voice for NVC-UK. His approach is IFS-informed and realises Self heals.
NVC has been a way for me to pay kind and open attention, in the present moment, to myself and others, and it was Marshall himself who said “our most basic spiritual need is to contribute to the well being of others and ourselves.”
Spirituality and compassion (NVC) are inseparable to me. And NVC is intimately related to, at least, the strands of right thought, speech and mindfulness from the Buddhist noble eightfold path. The practices of this path are designed to lead to the cessation of suffering, the arising of well-being and, ultimately, intimate realisations about the nature of self and life. NVC reveals our common humanity and connects us through it so very beautifully. Because of this I now know that Love is the experience where others are not others.
A liberating new paradigm?
Our ideas about individual and collective human nature have evolved and will continue to evolve. These ideas shape our expectations of what’s possible, the social structures we create, and how we interact with ourselves and other people. Therefore the assumptions we make can have a profound effect on the life we live and the world we collectively create.
The following are key assumptions that NVC and my compassionate practice are based on. Many traditions share these assumptions; NVC gives us concrete, powerful tools for putting them into practice. When we live based on these assumptions, self-connection and connection with others become increasingly possible and easy.
Life expanding assumptions?
All human beings have the same needs, and are connected through them.
Feelings inform us of our needs.
All human behaviour is an attempt to meet a need; however ineffective, tragic, violent or abhorrent it may be.
Everybody’s needs matter, and focussing on needs-consciousness allows win-win solutions to emerge.
Human beings enjoy giving: we inherently enjoy contributing to others when we have connected with our own and others' needs and can experience our giving as coming from choice.
The most direct path to peace is through self-connection: our capacity for peace is not dependent on having our needs met. Even when many needs are unmet, meeting our need for self-connection can be sufficient for inner peace.
Human beings change: by virtue of the constantly unfolding nature of needs and the strategies to meet them, all of us are dynamic processes, not static entities.
Human beings are interdependent: we meet many of our needs through our relationships with other people and with nature, though some needs are met principally through the quality of our relationship with ourselves and for some, with a spiritual dimension to life. When others' needs are not met, some needs of our own also remain unmet.
Upon reading these you might notice that some are easier to digest than others. Some might seem ok in certain situations but not in others, or with certain people. Your awareness of how you are reacting at any given moment is grist for the self-understanding and self-compassion mill!
Adapted Assumptions of NVC by Inbal and Miki from Kashtan https://baynvc.org/key-assumptions-and-intentions-of-nvc/ from http://www.ceribuckmaster.co.uk/4-foundations-of-nvc.html.
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"When we give from the heart, we do so not with an attitude of sacrifice or because of duty, but because of our love for others and our own joy in giving."
- Marshall Rosenberg, Author of ‘Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships’